You lying dirty stinking fuckwitted Express cunts

Honestly, I do try and remain calm at all times. If you know me, the me me rather than the internet me, you'd know that, while I tend to be a bit sweary and might lose my temper every now and then, I'm often a very calm, ordinary, apologetic kind of person. I don't like getting angry. Getting angry often means you've lost the argument; it means you lose your grip on rational thought and react with rage that comes from a primitive place.

But then, anger can be a kind of expiation, especially if that rage is justified by me having read the shittest, most inaccurate, lying, disgraceful, pathetic, bullshitting, weaselly, evil, xenophobic, twisted pieces of Satan's spunk that it's ever been my misfortune to encounter in my short and miserable life. An article so ill-conceived and badly written that it deserves to be nailed to the head of the hack who cobbled it together from racist lies, half-truths and misreported statistics, so that the utter fuckwit who thought it would be all right to get away with something so patently crass, nasty and hateful - or, indeed, who revelled in the thought of stoking up the fires of BNP race hatred the Express seems to delight in pandering to nowadays - could never forget he/she had ever composed a piece of writing so bereft of fact, so appalling, so mendacious, so utterly devoid of intelligence, compassion and humanity. Tattoo this front-page headline onto that journalist and splash sub's eyeballs so they will have to read the shit they concocted for the rest of their lives and won't be able to forget it as easily as they probably did.

I refer to this overflowing crock of dogshit in the 'World's Greatest Newspaper'.

BRITAIN TO BUILD 2 MILLION HOMES FOR MIGRANTS

Lie. It's a lie, and I can prove it. Those of you who know about the Mail and Express's anti-immigration bullshit will no doubt be aware of the fact that the headline very rarely has anything to do with reality of the story, as 5CC has thoroughly documented. This time, the headline gives the impression that the Government is building homes specifically for migrants - oh, it might be contradicted in the story below (I think the crap told to the PCC - other newspapers - is that the story 'clarifies' the headline), but that doesn't stop it not being true. It is not true that 'Britain' is building 2 million homes 'for migrants'. Only for migrants? No, just homes for everyone. Maybe migrants will buy some, maybe they can't afford them. Have the plots been marked out? No. Someone might think that 2 million of these homes are going to migrants, but that doesn't make it true. There are no quote marks around the statement. It's presented as fact. But it is not.

Those of you who read George Monbiot (I wonder what the Venn diagram looks like for people who read both the Express and George Monbiot? I'm guessing that there's me, and maybe a few others who hate the Express, or hate Monbiot and similarly like to 'know their enemy' in the middle bit) will know for a start that Britain actually needs to build three million homes - that's a million more than the Express is telling us we'll be ring-fencing for migrants, but more of that in a minute. Monbiot, unlike the cheap-shot wankers of the Express, actually likes to cite a few sources other than Migrationwatch and Tory MPs, so it's worth - before we even dip our toes into the cesspit of cuntery that the Express is squeezing out of its bleeding, pile-riven anus - having a think about the pressures on housing such as the miserable failure of Labour and the Tories alike to bother with social housing ever since 1980, when council tenants were given the choice to (a) participate in Margaret Thatcher's great option of democratisation and social mobility or (b) have their rent doubled. Unsurprisingly, many chose the former, bought their houses, did very well thank you, and... and then the big experiment stopped, such that it was. People could still buy, but new building didn't keep pace. An ageing population meant older people stayed in council houses for longer. Pressure on social housing increased, and has stayed to this day.

OK, calm. Now. With those ideas back in mind, it's back to the Express. Ready? Don't go punching the screen now.

ALMOST two million new homes will have to be built just to cope with the immigrant influx, peers will be told tomorrow.

OK, let's start with this horseshit. Two million homes. No actually, almost two million. Between when and when? Now and next Thursday? Now and the end of time? Does it matter...? No, delay mentioning the time frame context of the statistics, because, let's face it, two million's a big number, makes it sound worse for immigration!

'Immigration influx'. Reported as fact. Words fail me. Is the Express just a BNP pamphlet nowadays? Are they going to start banging on and on about the 'indigenous population' like their friends in the BNP and UKIP? Or would that exclude wealthy businessmen of Jewish heritage, like Richard Desmond for example?

It means 263 houses must go up every day until 2026 – the equivalent of five cities the size of Birmingham during the next 18 years.

Five more Birminghams? Fuck me, one's enough for anyone, isn't it? Aha, but at last we have the telling time frame - 18 years for an increase of nearly two million homes. Where do these figures come from, by the way?

Four in 10 of all new homes will go to new migrants, a report by Migrationwatch UK claims. Chairman Sir Andrew Green said immigration levels “are 25 times higher than at any time in nearly a thousand years of our history”.

What?!?! Can you hear the screech of brakes? So, first of all, we've got Migrationwatch chiming in with not the figures, but their interpretation of the figures. It's a little bit like asking Chicken Licken for statistics on imminent stratospheric collapse. Migrationwatch may be many things, but they aren't impartial I'm afraid. Nor am I, of course, but whereas no-one quotes my poxy blog as an authority on stuff in the national press, because it doesn't fit their predestined anti-immigrant agenda, nor should anyone just take Migrationwatch's views on statistics at face value. Are they, first and foremost, scientists or statisticians? Or are they simply people who don't like immigration? Where do their stats come from? Who has seen the raw figures?

But there's more than that. Oh, so much more. According to Migrationwatch themselves - even them - four out of 10 new homes are going to 'new migrants'.

Let's break that down a bit. What's a 'new migrant' when it's at home anyway? Aren't migrant workers people who eventually go back to where they predominantly live? If so, why will they be living in 'new' homes unless they're putting down roots? And will they really be able to afford Barratt-style homes on their wages? Blimey, this 'migrating' lark sounds great! But how do we know that 4 out of 10 homes are going to 'new migrants' anyway? Says who, except Migrationwatch? Where are the figures? Is this just a guess or are there concrete data to back it up? Sadly, the Express are just going to make us take Migrationwatch's word on it, aren't they.

Migration into England will grow from 130,000 a year now to 171,500 in 2026, according to the Government’s own projections.

Just England we're talking about now, is it? Why might that be? Because the tale in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland doesn't fit your cosy narrative of 'influx'? And will no-one be leaving in this time? No-one will die? No-one will leave the country to Spain from where they can write to Express messageboards with hate-filled views about immigrants and not see the irony?

Sir Andrew said the country is already very nearly the most crowded in Europe. “We cannot allow this to continue. Our objective now must be a broad balance between immigration and emigration,” he added.

The country. Which country? England, or the UK? Is England a sovereign nation now and no-one told me? (Also, one other small point. Reported speech. Look it up in a dictionary, whichever fucking idiot hack/sub combo committed this atrocity).

As 5CC once again points out, is the UK really the most crowded? No, it's in 11th place. But if we try and fiddle the figures by calling the UK 'England' then we might get closer to what the Express, Migrationwatch and the completely unconnected groups on the far right would like to have you believe about the state we're in.

New households overall will rise from 223,000 a year to 246,000. New migrant homes will account for 39 per cent of those.

They 'will', will they? What, even if immigration is banned tomorrow? Says who anyway? Oh yes, Migrationwatch, I forgot. So that must be true then, so let's report it as fact if it's come out of the Migrationwatch crystal fucking ball.

Houses are allocated on a need basis, meaning immigrants are often more likely to be given a property as they are frequently newly arrived in the country with nowhere to live. In 2006 immigrants were handed 10,000 council homes worth £1.3billion, with the Government paying almost half that amount. The remainder was funded by housing associations and developers.

*Family Fortunes ehhhhhhhh-urggggggggggghhhhh noise*

'Immigrants are often more likely to be given a property as they are frequently newly arrived in the country with nowhere to live'

Says who? Who exactly? Show me the figures. Show me how a Pole with a job, for example, scores better on the points system than a single mum without a job who's been on the list for years, or an unemployed person, or a 16-year-old homeless person who's been sleeping rough. Show me the figures that do that. Where are they? Have you got them handy? Have you? Where are they then? No...? I mean, I'd be surprised if I saw it, but I'd accept it. Let's just lump all migrants together. They're all the same anyway, aren't they, coming over from Bongobongoland, taking our jobs and raping our women!

The Government’s equality chief Trevor Phillips recently said the fear that migrants are jumping council queues for homes is fuelling tensions.

Yes he did. Because the fear was unfounded, a lie, whipped up by bastards like you in the Express twisting statistics. He went on to say this, which funnily enough the Express couldn't be fucked to print:

"I have never seen any reliable evidence to back up this claim. And there can be no doubt that much of the public feeling is driven by the careless media and racist parties."

More than careless, Trevor. Deliberately lying cunts in a lot of cases. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation attempted to bust some of the myths back in November, with a report that was surprisingly treated with a lot less interest by papers like the Mail and Express than Migrationwatch's proclamations. Funny that.

The report comes as around a million migrants gather on the coast of Libya planning a sea crossing to Europe, some hoping to head for the UK.

Oh here we go, if it's not the Poles it's the Libyans this time. Gotta have a bogeyman! I know my geography isn't great, but hang on a minute, so a million people are sailing from Libya to Britain, completely bypassing the rest of Europe as they go... and why? Because they fancy a nice boat trip in really cramped conditions with the threat of imminent death? No... this whole bullshit is to pretend that Britain's a soft touch. Shame these million Libyans didn't hear about Ama Sumani, the cancer patient kicked out of Britain so she could die in Ghana, or Arnel Cabrera, kicked out because his wife died and therefore her visa expired.

The number of children born to Eastern Europeans in Britain has soared 100 times faster than those born to British mothers, figures showed in November.

And a bit of pure racism to finish off. Nice work, Express. You've made even the Mail look like soaking wet liberal lefties with what I can only describe as the most disgusting piece of bullshit journalism it's ever been my displeasure to read. If there is a hell - and I don't believe for one minute there is, not after this world of misery and strife - but if there is, I think there must be a special circle of pain and torture set aside for people who spend their lives lying, and lying, and lying again. Some do it to old ladies and con them out of their savings. Some do it to readers of newspapers. Both as despicable as each other.

Here's a thought: if you work for the Express, you're tainted by this filth. You're part of these lies. You're doing nothing to stop it. Sure, I know you're trying to earn a crust for your family, and I don't begrudge anyone that, but you're part of this and you can't turn your back. You can't just pretend that it isn't happening. The people you work for are coming out with bullshit every single day of the year to pursue an agenda that delights racists and worsens divisions in society. You have a choice. You can keep working for them, and thinking it's all right while secretly knowing it's not, or you can do something about it, get out before your conscience kills you (those of you who have one) and start living a happy life without the burden of guilt any more. I implore all Express workers with a conscience now: give up your jobs at that stinking dirty disgraceful rag. Join the clean world. You'll be a million times happier.